Question:
My almost 2-year-old son used to take a bath with my husband everyday after dinner. That used to be "their time", and he was always happy to go with him. But a few days ago he started to refuse to go in the bathtub. As soon as I get in the bathroom he agrees to go inside and take a bath. It has been like this for the last week. He just cries like crazy until I come in. I really have no idea how to handle this situation. I am not sure I am doing the right thing getting in the bathroom and bathing him, I feel like he is manipulating me, and my husband is just heartbroken because that was the only thing they do together everyday. Any advice???
Thank you soooooo much!
Answer:
Here are some suggestions:
- Understand that this is very normal. Many young children start showing preference for one parent or another. It does not last unless you make a big deal of it.
- Don’t take it personally – either of you. I want to say again that it will pass unless your son learns he can get lots of mileage out of it.
- I don’t believe he is manipulating at this point. Again, I don’t know what goes on in the heads of little one’s who prefer one parent over another for awhile, but I don’t believe it is manipulation unless it lasts more than a few months – which usually doesn’t happen if parents take it in stride.
- Be flexible for awhile. Go ahead and switch roles with your husband and take bath time for awhile. It won’t be long before you son will forget his preference. (Actually, he may switch allegiance at some time. Don’t take that personally or seriously either.)
- Suggest to your husband that he find another way to have some special time with your son for awhile.
- You might want to get a copy of Positive Discipline: The First Three Years to gain a better understanding of developmentally appropriate behavior.
If it helps, I can guarantee that your son won’t be showing this kind of preference by the time he goes to college – so long as he feels unconditional love from both of you, and providing you have involved him in family meetings and the many other Positive Discipline methods that help children develop self-discipline, responsibility, cooperating, and problem-solving skills.
Take care,
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Comments
"Mummy do...", starting preschool, sibling rivalry and chewing
I just attended a talk on Positive Discipline at Shanghai Grand Kempinski Hotel and am in the process of ordering your preschool text...
Please help! :)
A bit of background info: DD1 has just turned 3. She is a very strong-willed, curious, active, talkative, loud and intelligent girl who is with me (a trained Primary School Teacher before stay-at-home mum) pretty much 24/7. She has weekly play dates with a few similar aged friends in our area but the activities we do together both in and out of the home has reduced significantly after DD2 was born 3 months ago. Also, living in ChIna, the air quality means that we sometimes don't go outside and are couped up at home for a couple of days straight. Oh and Daddy travels a few days/nights every fortnight or so for work but comes home before bath time whenever he is not travelling.
Ok so, for the past 18months+, DD1 has demanded that "Mummy do". She likes to do many things herself but then switches to helplessness If another adult (doesnt mattrer if its family, a friend or a stranger) attempts to help her do something (eg. help her cross the road or push her booster chair in at the dinner table). She screams "No, Mummy do, not you...go away, Mummy do..." etc and will keep tantruming while she undoes whatever the other person has done for her. Mind you, this only occurs if I am present somewhere in the home or nearby area. If my husband is home running things while I am out, it doesnt happen at all. When it does occur, she will refuse to do the thing herself, refuse others help, undo what they have done for her (even if i have asked another to help and explained that I need help from others too), and stubbornly wait/tantrum until I come and "save the day". And I do for the most part,especially if its close to bedtime and just want to move things along, OR my husband feels rejected, overwhelmed and gets grumpy at her behaviour. I saw another person ask about prefering one parent over the other, and you mentioned manipulation if its gone on longer than a few months.....well this has. Now what should we do to stop it?
Also, we are looking at putting DD1in half day preschool a couple times a week. This is to get her to socialise more with her peers, to stimulate her more than just sitting at home while I care for DD2 and to maybe help her accept help from other adults, not just me. But Im wondering if its bad timing and whether she will even further resent her little sister (she already says she "doesnt love her, send her away, i'm just going to squeeze her foot real hard..."etc). What do you advise?
And should we be worried about the sibling rivalry like described above?
Finally, I'd like some input about some new 'chewing' behaviours i ve noticed since DD2's arrival. DD1 has started chewing on her clothing (sleeves and neckline), as well as drink bottle straws, and her fingers. She seems unaware that she is doing it but it drives me bonkers that it keeps happening. I have read that it could be driven by anxiety, or a lack of stimulation and physical activity. This makes sense. I've started getting DD1 to do more "Heavy Work", get out as soon as the air permits, bought a mini trampoline and a bilibo seat, all in an attempt to end the chewing. What are your thoughts? When might it stop?
Many thanks !
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Hello,
Because I am traveling this month in China, I don't have much time to answer questions. However, I feel many of your questions can be answered by searching our blog. The article you made your comment on had many solutions for you. If you search by topic, you will find many more. If you still need help, we also have parent coaches. https://www.positivediscipline.com/positive-discipline-parent-coaching