My son is beginning to call me stupid, hit me, and says he hates me.

Question:

A little background: My son is 4 years old. My husband and I went through separation, divorce, and now a property settlement/custody case. My ex-husband was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive, in front of our son.

Now my son is beginning to call me stupid, hit me, and says he hates me, especially after his visit to his father's. Then, in public, he will demean me and talk back, in which people give me a raised brow for. I'm not sure what to do.I try to teach him that we don't hit people, instead we talk about how we feel. As far as discipline goes, I've tried soap in the mouth, time outs for him, time outs for his toys, taking privileges away, and focusing on his good behavior. I'm beginning to think spankings are the only way to go. But I don't know how to justify spanking him, since I tell him not to hit. Can you offer any advice? Since his father is still mentally and emotionally abusive to me when he picks our son up for visitation, how can this be re-enforced at his father's?

Answer:

You are very wise to know that spanking does not make sense and only teaches the very thing you are trying to eliminate. I must tell you that the other things you mention are also punitive. All of the Positive Discipline books teach hundreds of non-punitive methods that are respectful and teach children important life skills. Following is an excerpt from our Positive Discipline A-Z. I hope you find some suggestions that will help.

Disrespect

"My child is often disrespectful to me. She talks back in a sassy manner, yells at me, and sometimes calls me names. The more I punish her, the worse it gets."

Understanding Your Child, Yourself, and the Situation

Children learn from the examples they see. Too many parents expect their children to be respectful when they are not respectful to their children. Punishment is not respectful.

Suggestions

1. In a calm, respectful voice, tell your child, "If I have ever spoken to you that way, I apologize. I don't want to hurt you or be hurt by you. Can we start over?"
2. Say, "You are obviously very upset right now. I know it upsets me when you talk that way. Let's both take some time out to calm down. We can talk later when we feel better."
3. Another possibility is to say what you will do. "When you talk disrespectfully to me, I will leave the room. I love you and want to listen to you when you are ready to talk respectfully. I love myself enough to walk away from verbal abuse."
4. Calmly leave the room without saying a word. If your child follows, go for a walk or get into the shower. After a cooling-off period, ask, "Are you ready to talk with me now?"
5. If you are not too upset, try hugging your child. Sometimes children are not ready to accept a hug at this time. Other times a hug changes the atmosphere for both of you to one of love and respect.

Planning Ahead to Prevent Future Problems

1. Be willing to take a look at how you might be teaching the very thing you abhor in your child by being disrespectful to her. Many parents have been shocked when they overheard their children talking to their dolls because their children were very good at mimicking how they were talked to.
2. If this is a recurring problem, put it on the family meeting agenda for discussion. Sometimes a discussion is enough to help the individuals involved cooperate to stop the problem.
3. Teach your children the Three Rs of Recovery and use them yourself when you make a mistake and are disrespectful to your children. (See Part 1, page 26.)

Life Skills Children Can Learn

Children can learn that it is not okay for them to be disrespectful to others or to tolerate others being disrespectful to them.

Parenting Pointers

1. This is a good time to act instead of react. It is very tempting to get revenge by punishing when your children hurt your feelings. This models disrespect while trying to teach respect.
2. If you do react, use the Three Rs of Recovery to apologize after you have calmed down. Your child will probably copy this behavior.

Booster Thought

From a note sent by a grateful parent: "I'm all choked up right now because my fifteen-year-old daughter just came in and said, Mom, are you planning to do some washing today so that I can include my jeans, or should I put a load in before school?' "It was such a respectful departure from Mom, have my jeans washed when I get home from school!' Thank God for family meetings and calm dialogue instead of yelling, reacting, and the angry feelings we have known.

By the way, I wish visitation laws could be changed to prevent parents from seeing their children as long as they engage in "alienation" which is what your husband is doing. In California visitation rights are taken away when a parent does this. It is a very harmful thing to do when parents use their children as a way to get back at a former spouse. Children want to love both parents.