Question:
I am a stay at home mom of two children. I have a 18-month-old son and a 3-year-old daughter who are very stubborn and throw tantrums when they don't get their way. One thing that really upsets me is that my son scratches and bites other children. My friend visited us with her 1 year old daughter and my son goes up to her and pinches and scratches her cheek real bad. Then a couple minutes later he BIT her on the cheek. When ever there are other small children around, he is a bully and is either pinching, biting, or pushing etc.. I don't know how to make him realize that this is bad behavior and how to stop him from doing this. I get so angry and end up giving him a spanking and a time out. I, too, have to learn to take a deep breath before I react to his actions.
Also, time-outs do not work for my 3-year-old as well. She'll get back up and do the same thing again. Her attitude is that she is the boss and will do what she wants to do. (Sadly enough, they both have my attitude and temper as when I was a child) She does not eat when we all sit down for Lunch, Dinner etc.. and puts up a fuss when it is time for bed and she is always taking toys, books etc..out of other children's hands all the time. I have her in pre-school for the first year thinking that this would help out. But it isn't. She is learning other sassy things instead. I feel like I am a failure as a mom. Can't control my kids and them hurting my friend's children and having my friends get mad at me. I need some advice to help me get this under control. Please help?
Very stressed and upset.
Answer:
Dear "Stressed and Upset",
You are not a failure as a mom. The stressed and upset feelings you have are NORMAL for stay at home parents of young children. It's VERY hard work! I don't have any quick fixes but I do have some suggestions and some perspectives that may be helpful.
Developmental information. 18-month-olds and 3-year-olds can be intense little human beings. They go at life fully. (So do four-year-olds, so don't breathe easy yet!). They are starting to figure out who they are and how they are not you. Sometimes they act in ways that you don't like...but that is not who they are. Talking back, saying no, making fusses, and "that attitude" are really experiments with "who am I?". They are experimenting with how they are important and how they fit in (belong) in your family and with other groups. Sometimes they seem to choose to be important by being the center of attention, or sometimes by deciding that THEY are in control. When they act with this kind of behavior (Jane Nelsen calls it mischief) it is really telling you that they don't feel important or don't feel like they belong. They are trying a new way to get belonging...but it doesn't really work. Our culture often tells us to punish or control this kind of behavior by making the kids feel bad or taking them out of the group. Of course then they feel worse and the behavior gets worse...or they feel hurt and naturally want to hurt back. Positive Discipline is an Adlerian (after Alfred Adler) approach to parenting. The belief is that children (and adults too) behave inappropriately when they are discouraged: they don't feel important or belonging. Helping a child feel belonging helps reduce the "mischief behavior". Here is an example. Many parents find that when they talk on the phone their children, who seemed happy in the next room, suddenly need or want their attention right away. The child's belief (unconscious) is "mom is paying attention to someone else I'm not important". The action is to go get attention from mom. When you tell the child to go away, the behavior will get worse. If you ask the child to bring a puzzle and do it next to you, to sit on your lap or to set the timer for 3 minutes and you will be done by then, the child often "hears" that they are important and doesn't "need" your attention as immediately. (Of course if you say you will stop in 3 minutes, you have to keep your word). This is not being permissive. It deals with the belief behind the behavior. It is kind and firm at the same time. I highly recommend Jane Nelsen's books. I think you would find Positive Discipline, Positive Discipline for Preschoolers, and Positive Discipline A-Z very helpful.
I don't want to overwhelm you but do want to share a few other ideas:
Biting: Some kids bite more than others. They are not bad kids. In my experience they tend to be passionate and intense kids that haven't learned how to communicate in other ways yet. My middle child was a biter between about 15 months to 24 months (it seemed like forever!). Mostly he bit me, but occasionally he bit other kids too. He would come running up to me and bite me right at his mouth level. I finally figured out that he wasn't really trying to hurt me (or others) but that he just had all this feeling and that's how he let it out. I taught him how to stop biting me a little like most parents teach kids to be kind to animals...I saw him coming and said, "no biting, please hug", and he gradually learned. Actually we BOTH learned, because I had to learn to see it coming to be able to help him put his energy in hugging instead of biting. Watch to see when and how your child bites, maybe you will notice a pattern too.
Stubbornness: Wow. It is amazing how definitive these little guys can be isn't it? The book that changed this one for me was Stanley Turecki's "A Difficult Child". I did see my child as stubborn. Turecki recommends looking at your child's challenging personality traits also as assets. What good is this stubbornness for adults? In adults we call it persistence. Persistent adults are very successful. They have great stick-to-it-iveness. I bet Bill Gates was a CHALLENGING child....but look what his persistence has done. When I started looking at my children through those eyes, I realized that it seemed stubborn when we wanted to do different things...but if my child and I were working on the same project we were very successful! I learned to try to see the world more through their eyes. Guess what. They were more willing to see my side then too. (yes even at 2 and 3 years of age).
Time outs: Again I recommend Jane Nelsen's books, and some of the information on the web site about time outs. In some parenting approaches, time outs are used as punishments. (If a child is not behaving the parent tries to get them to behave by sending them to their room to think, or feel bad until they are "ready" to shape up). In Adlerian parenting, the belief is kids misbehave because they are discouraged. The idea of a time out is to help them feel BETTER so that they can come back and try again. (Kids do better when they feel better). Time out is really time to go collect, gather, do something that can help you start over in a positive way. You might prepare for this by asking your daughter (when she is feeling good) what kind of things will help her feel better when she is not feeling good and make a time out "kit", or arrange special place that will help. Then when she is creating mischief (putting up a fuss, being sassy etc) you can ask her to do something that might make her feel better like going to her time out place, (This is not the time to give her what she wants to feel better, but to teach her how to gather herself).
Sometimes having the parent take timeout works well too. I keep comic books in the bathroom to "revive" myself.
Last but not least: Don't forget to take care of yourself. It is really important to do things that help you feel better too. (Moms do better when they feel better too!). It is not your job to "control" your kids. Sometimes it is more than enough work just to control yourself. Make a list of the things you like to do, find another mom to share child care with so you get some time for yourself. Even a few hours once a week can help you find you again and being a mom will get a little easier. Life with young children is intense, and busy and often overwhelming.
Best Wishes!
Jody McVittie, M.D., Certified Positive Discipline Associate
PS. Don't forget to enjoy the wonderful moments too. I know it sounds cliche, but they do grow up fast! Even if you have to go steal a peak when they are asleep and are quiet and peaceful so you can realize that despite all the drama they really are great little humans...make sure you try to see that in them each day.
