Question:
What are some different and creative ways to handle conflict in front of the children between you and your spouse?
Thank You,
Theresa
Answer:
Respectfully. I could just leave it at that, but too many people don't know what respect looks like. A few suggestions:
1. Children need to know that feelings are always okay (but what you DO is not always okay), so don't hide your own feelings. And, this means all feelings.
2. When you are angry, use emotional honesty and say, "I'm really angry right now." Note that I didn't suggest saying, "YOU make me so angry."
3. Since we expect children to control their behavior (the DO part), it would be nice to model that for them. "I'm so angry that I had better take some time out and wait until I calm down so we can work on a solution that is respectful to everyone."
4. Discuss the conflict respectfully. Take turns sharing your point of view and listening to each other's point of view. Conflict can result in solutions that include more than one point of view and, thus, is better for both people.
5. Of course, this all sounds good when you are not in the middle of a conflict – when it is easy to forget everything and let emotions rule. We have all been there. As we say in Positive Discipline over and over, "Mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn." Part of the learning is to apologize for being disrespectful when you have calmed down – another great model for kids, so let them see the apology as well as the conflict.
6. Never put children in the middle or encourage them to take sides. Also, take child development stages into consideration. Children don't think like adults and can become very confused and frightened by conflict that becomes loud and bitter. Be sensitive to finding the balance about when conflict should be dealt with openly and when it should be dealt with in private.
7. When appropriate, put the conflict problem on a family meeting agenda and invite everyone to participate in brainstorming for solutions that are respectful to everyone. You could discuss with them the importance of dealing with conflict respectfully, taking time out to calm down when it is difficult to act respectfully, and apologizing when you were too much into your "primitive brain" to remember to be respectful or to take time out to calm down.
8. Let children know that conflict is not bad, but how it is handled can be very ineffective. Model handling conflict in an effective manner.
9. If you need professional help, don't hide that either. It is good for children to know that sometimes we all need help (like a good coach) to help us see what we can't see and to teach us skills for improvement. Sometimes problems take awhile to fix – and children need to know that too.
10. If your spouse refuses to deal with conflict respectfully, say, "I can't make you treat me respectfully, but I can treat myself respectfully. I will leave the room now and will be happy to talk with you when we can be respectful to each other." This models for children that they can't control how others treat them, but they can take care of themselves.
