Question:
Dear Jane or Associate:
I attended your seminar in Portland on May 15 and enjoyed listening to your suggestions. It is always good to be reminded that respect is the foundation for any good relationship. Thank you for your work! I do, however, have a question that I'm still not sure how to deal with. Here goes:
We have 3 daughters, ages 13, 11, and 7. The older two really like the use of our computer, especially e-mail and instant messenger. As a family (at one of our weekly family meetings), we agreed on what the rules pertaining to the computer would be. They are things like:
Homework and chores need to be done first 30 minute time limit (not including homework use)
Safety issues, etc.
We concluded that if these rules were not adhered to there would be a consequence, namely losing the use of the computer for the next day. We have done that, yet it seems that the rules continue to be broken and that I spend too much of my time monitoring, reminding, and revoking the use of the computer. Is there a more positive, less "parent as the enforcer" way to handle this situation?
I read through your "most asked questions" list and did not see anything like this, so I'm hoping you have some ideas. Thanks again for your work in this field.
Sincerely, Vicki
Answer:
Hi Vicki, I'm so glad you enjoyed some of the suggestions you heard at the lecture. It helps to know that you have some background before I respond to your questions. I would like to go over a few of the "magic tools" I shared to see how they might fit your situation.
1) Stop telling and start asking what and how questions: As you explain your "agreement" with your children, I have to wonder if you "told" them instead of getting their ideas for a plan that would work for them that you could agree to. Often parents tell kids and say, "Do you agree?" Kids say, "Yes," but they really mean no – as shown by their actions. Keep in mind, that you don't have to agree with a plan they devise, but can keep sending them back to the drawing board until they come up with one that works for you as well as for them.
Magic Key
The guidelines are "mutual respect." When kids come up with the plan, instead of being told what the plan is, they seem to have more motivation for following their plan.
2) Decide what you will do. Inform in advance and then follow through. Let your children know that you don't want to be the "parent enforcer" – (power struggle participator). So, you have decided the computer is causing too many problems, and will remove it until they come up with a plan that works for everyone. They can let you know when they have a plan. Anytime their plan quits working, you will simply remove the computer until they all agree that they have a plan that will work. Let them know you have faith in them to come up with a respectful plan.
Magic Key
Don't nag, lecture or remind. Follow through by simply doing what you said you would do – kindly and firmly, and with your mouth shut. When they try to engage you in a verbal battle, smile lovingly and go about your business.
3) Create Routine Charts. Your children are all old enough to create their own routine charts regarding their schedules. You can reserve the right to check them and give the final okay to make sure they include the basics. They may want to do 30 minutes of computer time before chores and homework – just to have some downtime first.
Magic Key
You may have to remind (sorry, a parent's job is never done), but it will seem more pleasant when you can say, "What is next on your routine chart? What do you need to do now?"
