QUESTION:
I have a very bright energetic 17 month old boy. I recently attended one of the Positive Parenting seminars and purchased The First Three Years book. I love this style of parenting and work hard to provide a positive environment for my child. But lately he has increased his level of aggression. What is particularly troublesome is when we go to a store. When a sales person (stranger) approaches us he arches his back and lets out a scowl and turns bright red. If he is holding something he will throw it at them. He even will pull their hair if in reach. I'm not sure what is going on or how to handle it. I've resorted to not going out with him. I even have stopped going to my play group because not only is it exhausting for me to constantly "save" the other children from him (hair pulling, pushing, biting) but I also walk away feeling bad about myself as a parent and bad about him because he acts out much more than any other child there. It seems as if a lot of the articles I have read deal with children who are older, but what do you do with a younger child?
ANSWER:
Hello ...
My name is Mary Hughes, and I am a Certified Positive Discipline Associate. My background is in Child Development (preschool teacher for over 30 years and professor at our community college for 17 years), and I am a grandparent of some very head-strong grandchildren, so I can relate well to your situation.
I want to assure you that what you describe is a very common problem for ‘almost-twos' and there are several possibilities I can think of that may fuel his fire:
Part of what he is doing is telling you how he feels non-verbally, because his language skills are not developed enough yet to TELL you in words!
Also, the power issue begins to rear-up around this age, and sometimes is disguised in increased aggressive actions as a ‘front' so to speak. To hide feelings of inadequacy, your son may be putting up a ‘smoke screen' so that he feels more capable of getting his own way.
Another possibility is that he feels vulnerable in the store or at play group, and may be saying to the sales person "I don't want you to take me away from my Mom." He may associate adults he doesn't know with ‘babysitter or child care provider.'
And, the simple explanation could be that he has a more "active" temperament than some children.
At his play group he actually may have learned this technique of getting his way from some of the other kids, and is ‘getting even'! He may not have been retaliating earlier until he learned the ‘rules' of social play at the play group, and now feels comfortable in asserting himself more vocally and with stronger actions that his play- mates. And if you leave the group because he is ‘more aggressive than the others' he may be getting exactly what he wants - your full attention and power to ‘make' you leave. And then he doesn't have to share or ‘play nicely' because he gets you all to himself and doesn't have to fight for his toys or playing territory. In other words, you may be paying him off when he misbehaves rather than stopping the behavior, although you are doing this unconsciously and are not aware that there is any pay-off for him by leaving the store or the play group.
First I'll share a few more of my thoughts, and then I'll make a suggestion or two about what you might try. Since you are familiar with Positive Discipline, you know already that the first clue is in how YOU feel when he does this. The second clue to figuring out the puzzle is checking out what you do, and how does he respond to what you do?
Your feeling is not stated outright, but here is what I glean from what you have written...
It sounds as though you are feeling defeated, as if you have no choice left but to keep him from public places – maybe even angry that you can't go to the store without him ruining the trip?
Where on the chart then do you find these feelings? Maybe it is power? If so, then if you talk with him and tell him to "stop that – that isn't very nice – or that is not friendly," or something similar, he will likely scream worse or become more hard to handle, thinking to himself, "I can only belong when I'm the boss or at least when I'm proving no one can boss me around." And then, you give in to the temper display and leave wherever you are feeling defeated and mad that he is such an embarrassment – and you question "what went wrong?"
When you look at the proactive and empowering responses that are listed on the mistaken goal chart there are many other choices you could make instead of leaving or spanking him, yelling at him, or even giving him a little lecture; (you didn't say you do these things, but I'm remembering what I would do when I felt as though I was backed into a corner and needed to regain my "Mommy rights"!) Here are some ideas:
In the store, try asking him for help "Should we get shredded wheat cereal or wheat chex today – your choice?" Then he sees he can influence in a good way and doesn't have to resort to a tantrum. You could also decide what you will do and tell him in advance (he may not get all of the words, but he will understand by your voice what you're saying!) – "we will have a peaceful shopping trip and you can smile at the sales people and anyone we meet while we are together in the store – it'll be safe to do that ... If we need to leave because you get too noisy, we will just leave to go to the car until you are calmed down – then we'll try again. If you want me to pick you up, I can do that too." Then if he is ok, say to him, it was nice shopping with you today. Thank you being such a big help. We got our errands done on time"
If he starts being loud in the store, you could be prepared and just take out a toy he hasn't played with for awhile and say, "you can play with this while mommy talks with the sales lady.
At play group....
I wonder if there are too many kids? Is it possible to have play group at your house for awhile and ask another Mom to stay and help you until you can get him over the hump? Maybe you could ask one friend over for awhile, then 2, then 3, and then ease back into the group when you can see he can handle being with more than one child his age. Toddlers are rough on each other, because they don't know the rules of being a group member yet and so they are gathering experience in this skill and by 5-6 will be ready to be a good "groupie!"
How about toys at play group? Are there only rough and tumble toys – or are there some soft balls, soft blocks and the like – maybe there aren't enough to go around sometimes?
You could ask some of the Moms if their kids ever did these things – and I bet you will get lots of support and help to get your boy past this stage. When I teach parents and providers about how to make a good playmate, I say first the child plays with the teacher/parent; then 1 other child + the adult and the child; then add 1-2 –3 more friends after a period of a week or so, and then the adult should try backing out slowly from the group. While you're playing with the small group, it is good to talk out loud and say "Johnny wants to play with the pounding toy, Jimmy – when will you be done with it so he can play? Ok – in a little bit I'll remind you that Johnny wants to play, and I'll bring you another toy to play with him." Then you get another toy for Johnny to offer to trade with Jimmy when it is his turn." I know the kids won't get the words you will say, but they will see you helping them by listening to what they are saying with their "bodies" and their "faces" and you'll be listening with your heart!
Sometimes a change of attitude can work wonders. If you know this is a stage that will pass, it might be easier to do something very simple over and over until it passes. That simple thing would be to kindly and firmly remove him from the situation without saying a word – because actions speak louder than words to a toddler. As soon as he starts arching his back or acting aggressive to other children, pick him up and leave. This might mean walking to another isle in the store, to another part of the house or going to the car to sit for awhile. Your attitude is the key that can make this have a magic effect. Your attitude must be one of kindness and firmness at the same time. Do not say a word. Do not lecture. Do not act angry or embarrassed. Simply act. You are taking time for training. If he is having a temper tantrum, sit and read a book until he calms down. (Let him have his feelings.) When he has calmed down, say, "Let's try again." Then take him back to where you left off. The minute he starts his aggressive behavior again, repeat the above. It won't take him long (unless you think 17 times is long) for him to learn that aggressive behavior does not result in a payoff. I was sort of joking about the 17 times except that that is what it took the first time I tried this with my toddler. The next time it took only 12 times, and the third day only 3.Then the behavior stopped. Many people have shared that it doesn't always take this long if your attitude is one of kindness and firmness at the same time (which I have to admit was not my attitude when I tried this.)
These aren't all the possibilities – but hopefully these will give you a start toward a solution. You may want to check other mistake goals, if "power" isn't the right one – the chart is so helpful in cutting to the quick for understanding the whys and wherefores of misbehavior.
It's hard to have a child who tests all your hot spots and makes it difficult to socialize with other adults and playmates of the child's age. After you rule out "Is he hungry/thirsty/tired, you can bet that your 17 month old is feeling overwhelmed by so much attention and feels a bit vulnerable in his play group – maybe it's time to divide into 2 smaller groups so that youngsters of this age can play BY or NEXT to someone – most kids this age aren't really social yet and will copycat what others are doing. They have to LEARN how to be a friend – it doesn't come naturally to most of us!
So hang in there – I'm sending you the Iowa State University Extension publications web site so you can go into the publications location in the sidebar and go to Child Development for topics and read up on what is developmentally appropriate and expected at 18 months to 24 months (and all ages and stages of development during your baby's life.) These publications can be printed off using Adobe Acrobat for FREE! You can tap into a lot of research-based, non-biased information on ages and stages of childhood that could be helpful to youhttp://www.exnet.iastate.edu/ Many times when we know that a behavior is part of a stage, we can choose not to react to it.
You also may want to purchase Positive Discipline for Preschoolers by Jane Nelsen, Cheryl Erwin, and Roslyn Duffy, as there is much information in there as well about development that you will find helpful.
Your caring support will grow a true loving spirit in your son – and as he grows you'll be able to celebrate the strides he makes as he takes it one step at a time – like his parent!!!!
With encouragement – Mary Hughes
