Question:
I have a 2-year-old boy and he is very stubborn. When he is in trouble... I do punish him to sit down but he refuses to sit down. He keeps coming up to me and says sorry, but he is not finished with his punishment. Im confused about spanking my kid. When he tried to touch my typing board and I said No!! He hit me, so I had to hit him back to tell him that hurts me, he continued hitting me. What should I do?? Please send me more information about this situation. Thank you.
Answer:
My name is Jody McVittie, I am a family physician and a parent of three children 15,13, and 10. I help answer some of the questions for the web page.
You sound really challenged by your two year old. As children grow up they can be a challenge! It sounds like your youngster is just getting to the age where he wants to do things that HE wants to do. That is an important developmental step (and it is his JOB to do that now). It does make life a little harder for parents...because you now have a young human being in the house with a mind of his own and he WON'T always agree with you or want to do things exactly your way. Some parents get a little scared by this. They think "If I cannot control my 2 year old, I'll never be able to control him" They sometimes think that it means that they are not a good parent because they were taught that good parents "control" their children.
Other parents realize that their job is to teach their children life skills and how to build healthy relationships with other people. This means that parents need to teach children how to control THEMSELVES. These parents understand that the process does not happen overnight. Two year olds can do a lot for themselves and control a lot of their behavior...but not nearly as much as a 6 or 10 year old. The real advantage of teaching children how to control themselves is that when the children grow up they become responsible adults who can be part of and give to the whole community.
So how do you teach your child to learn to control himself? I will give you a few suggestions...and then I will give you some ideas about where you can get more information.
1. In order to learn how to control themselves, children need to have control over as much of their life as is appropriate for them. Most two year olds can do lots of things for themselves. They can be a big help. They can start to dress themselves (socks, shirts), they can help put dishes in the dishwasher, they can put the silverware in the silverware drawer. If you have a small broom, he can help sweep, he can help put away his toys, he can help make lunch (like spreading peanut butter on bread, or grating cheese for a tortilla), he can begin to learn to break an egg. When you go shopping he can help by getting things off the shelves he can reach, or by being the "looker" and checking for cars in both directions when you cross the parking lot. Obviously you will have to adapt the list for your life with him.
2. Two year olds make lots of mistakes. They are just beginning to learn who they are. They can learn from their mistakes. People learn best when they are not shamed or made to feel bad. When he spills his milk (which ALL two year olds do) you could say "Oh oh, what happened?". And after he says he spilled it, you could say "How could you fix it? Do you know how to wipe it up?" and teach him where to get the towel or sponge to clean up his spilled milk. Mistakes are really opportunities to learn. When I started to teach my kids about mistakes, our parenting instructor told us to honest about our own mistakes. We had to practice saying. Whoops, I made a mistake and then talk about how we were going to fix it. I thought that would be easy. It was hard for me to even say I made a mistake out loud! (See what I learned from my parents!). I think that punishment is one of the least effective ways to teach anyone anything...and it results in revenge, rebellion, and resentment. Kids do better when they feel better, not when they feel worse.
3. Your son is not trying to "get" you or be "bad". He is trying to get a sense of belonging and significance. He wants to know that he is part of your family and that he is important. He doesn't "know" this...what he knows is that when you seem busy it feels like he is not part of your life...so he tries to get in the action again. He may do this by coming to type while you are typing. He is not trying to bother you or be bad...his behavior is just saying " I want to belong, I need some attention". Lots of moms find that saying "no" or pushing their child away may work for a little bit, but then the behavior comes back. It might be more successful to let him know he belongs by saying "It seems like you need some attention! Come get a hug and bring a toy to play near me for a few minutes while I finish...and then we can do something together" (you have to keep your promise if you say this..and make your task short). Sometimes it is easier to plan ahead (because 2 year olds need a lot of attention) and play the game first and then set him up with a quiet activity while you type for a short time.
When he hits you it is because he doesn't have the skills to "use his words" or to negotiate respectfully. That is something you can teach him by example. It is very difficult to avoid striking back when your son hits you, but when you do that you are teaching him to hit by example. Instead you could say, "I know you are upset, and it is not okay to hit people." Eventually he will learn that it is not okay to hit. In Positive Discipline we teach the importance of long-range parenting doing what works long range instead of just short term. Punishment works short term, but doesn't teach children the skills to treat others respectfully.
Not all behavior will look like your child is wanting attention. Sometimes (for two year olds especially) they get their feeling of belonging when they feel like they are the boss. Then it will help to give him as much control as is appropriate. Remember that his attempts at setting the table or feeding the family pet won't be just right the first time. Your long term goal is to teach him to learn how to do the job....but it takes patience and time for training. (Gosh, I am a much better parent now than I was when my oldest was born 15 years ago...but it was mainly through practice and making mistakes that I have learned so much!)
Now that he is two there are times when you have to be honest that you cannot "make him" do some things (You can't make a kid eat, or go to the bathroom, or sleep for example). You may be more successful if you acknowledge that you cannot make him do something. You will need his help. He will usually give it. It is amazing what kids will do if you are working for cooperation instead of control. They feel the difference. (And I think if we are honest about our adult relationships we feel the same way. We don't like people who tell us what to do all the time. They would get much better results if they asked our opinion and asked us to do something instead of demanding it.)
4. Really take time to notice the special human being this little guy is...even though he is good at pushing your buttons. Some characteristics that make children challenging (like strong wills, or sensitivities, or being able to focus intently on one thing) are the same things that make them into wonderful adults. Remember to give the little guy lots of hugs and let him know that you love him.
5. Take time to take care of yourself. Living with a two year old who knows where all of your buttons are is hard work. Make sure that you take time for you to do some of the things that you enjoy.
Here are some ideas for more suggestions. Find a parenting class in your community that teaches respectful relationships with kids. Read. I highly recommend Jane Nelsen's books. You might start with Positive Discipline for Preschoolers or Positive Discipline. You can get them from the website or your library, or in bookstores.
Best wishes to you and your family,
Jody McVittie, MD, Positive Discipline Associate
