What does this look like as a nanny?
The first step is to really watch for it - once you’re aware of “back-talking back,” you might notice that you’re doing so. If you’re not sure what it sounds like, ask yourself if it would be okay for someone else, like a teacher or babysitter, to speak to your nanny kiddo that way. If it’s not, then you probably shouldn’t be speaking to them that way, either. If you feel some unhelpful comments are bubbling up, keep them in your head. Getting sassy or rude is only going to exacerbate the situation. Remember Peggy O’Mara’s quote,
“The way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice.” ~Peggy O’Mara
A few places where I’ve previously found myself really back-talking back were around expecting kids to say, “please and thank you,” (how can I expect them to say please to me, if I’m ordering them to use their manners without saying please on my end!?) and being the tone police around how kiddos say something. There’s a real double standard around how normalized it is for adults to speak in condescending, demanding tones to children, yet we expect children to immediately & enthusiastically respond to every request we make? That doesn’t feel fair or realistic.
Mary Tamborski, in “Positive Discipline Parenting Tools” writes,
“Every time I use a tool like this, I have to wonder why I ever forget. . . .I enjoy a more peaceful and respectful time with [my boys].”
As professionals, we can speak kindly & respectfully, validate children’s feelings, & still maintain appropriate expectations.
Pause & repair
Once you’re looking for it, you might be surprised how often you catch yourself “back-talking back.” If you catch yourself, pause and repair. Fortunately, if you say, “I don’t like how that came out. Can I try again?” Children are almost always happy to give you another chance! The silver lining of making a back-talking back error is that we get to model repair. Try not to beat yourself up - we all say things we wish we hadn’t. I’ll be honest - I’m typically good about not back-talking back (because I’m conscientious about it, not because I’m a natural!), but I will admit that sometimes I subtly roll my eyes, and that’s just as rude & unhelpful. Even though it’s not technically “back-talk," it's unkind, not respectful, and not my best work, so that’s something I’m personally focusing on curbing right now.
Other strategies for not back-talking back include taking a deep breath before responding, reminding yourself, “They’re acting like children because they are children,” or checking-in with yourself on if your expectations for that moment are age and developmentally appropriate. If something a child did is still bothering you later, then you can journal, vent to a friend, or discuss it with their parents later on. You can also bring it back up with a child the next day to talk about it & problem solve- not everything needs to be addressed in the moment, especially if people are getting heated. I’m not saying drop expectations or that we don’t correct misbehavior, but doing it in a kind, respectful way is absolutely possible.
Circling back to troubleshoot an issue when cooler heads prevail is helpful for everyone.
This is a tool that I get many opportunities to practice daily, if not hourly! Recently, the 6-year old I care for had a meltdown about getting ready to go to the playground. This is very unlike her because she’s a super active kid & typically can’t wait to hit the park. She was getting louder, more upset, and telling me over and over, “NO! I’M NOT GOING TO THE PARK!!!!!” In the moment, I was able to use other Positive Discipline strategies to avoid a power struggle & get her out the door & to the park, and we had a total blast, as usual. Later that day, the 6-year old asked me if we could visit a different playground. For just one moment, I really wanted to “back-talk back” to her. The first thing that popped in my head was, “NO WAY! I’m not taking you to a different playground after you were SO nasty and difficult this morning about going to the first playground!” Luckily, I was able to take a quick breath and give her a way better response. Instead of a “no” and a lecture, I was able to ask her, “Hey, speaking of the playground - what was going on this morning?” Now that we were calm, she was able to share with me that she didn’t know what park I had been talking about, and she was feeling tired & unsure in that moment. Understanding that she didn’t know where we were going really helped me empathize with her resistance, and now I know that in the future, just showing her a quick picture of where we’re heading may be able to help us get out the door a bit more smoothly. I could have back-talked back and felt like I had really made my point and taught her a lesson, but instead, I was able to get curious and actually understand what was going on. If you’re curious, we did end up going to the second playground, and we had a lovely time!
There are so many benefits to not “back-talking back:” we stay more connected to our nanny kiddos, we model and teach better behavior, and we foster an environment of mutual respect. Let’s keep it copasetic, act like the adults we are, and be mindful of what and how we speak to the children in our care.
Want to learn more about Positive Discipline tools for nannies? Check out the Positive Discipline for Nannies online course from our friends at Sproutable.
Bio: Danielle Taylor is the Nanny Liaison at Sproutable. She is a Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator and Certified Positive Discipline Early Childhood Educator. Danielle has over 15 years of experience working with children and was a top five finalist for the International Nanny Association’s 2023 Nanny of the Year. She has earned her Nanny Credential from the International Nanny Association & Nanny and Childcare Provider (NCP) Certification from the US Nanny Association. Danielle has been a guest on The Nanny Endorsements and Nanny ABCs podcasts, has presented for United Nanny and the US Nanny Association, and has written for Sproutable, Birch Nannies, and Seattle Nanny Network. Danielle enjoys sharing Positive Discipline tips and tools with other childcare professionals.
