Question:
Dear Mary,
I hope that you remember me - I wrote to you for some advice regarding my twins last year around September and you very kindly sent me some invaluable information, which I have saved and read through very often.
I am having more problems with my son, specifically regarding his behavior towards his sister.
1. They can be playing nicely together when he will suddenly decide that he had enough and will jump onto her, pull her crayons out of her hands, throw her dolls on the floor or something to annoy her. Invariably, she comes running to me saying "look mummy what Maxwell is doing etc., etc.". I try and encourage them to sort it out but it just doesn't seem to work very well. This is in spite of getting them to sit down and discussing together - Maxwell will only answer "I don't know" to everything, which is very frustrating.
2. The other thing is he has started wetting his pants - he has been dry for ages but he goes through these stages. We were away in England visiting family for 3 weeks and he never wet his trousers once whilst we were there. I have tried dealing kindly with this but after the third or fourth change, I start getting rather annoyed. I am finding it difficult being kind at the moment and have to often leave the room - otherwise I end up shouting at him. I have tried to be cool and just get him to change himself (which he does) but then he wets himself again. I have tried saying that there will be no more trousers to change into and this is the last time, and he does it again. He seems completely unfazed about his wet pants; today I ended up saying that he would have to play as he was and he just carried on without a care in the world! How can I make him understand this or how should I handle this kindly and firmly?
He is otherwise a sweet boy, very loving and affectionate but at the moment, he and I are not getting on at all and it upsets me.
Incidentally, whenever I do shout, I always apologize to him. He is also quite rough with his sister and his friends at which point I say that we don't hit/push in our family and try to get him to voice his feelings and why he does certain things. He will always answer "I don't know." I am seriously thinking of seeing a child psychologist or am I being unreasonable?
Please give me some idea of how to deal with this. I am so keen and desperate to practice positive discipline but Maxwell is seriously testing all my limits at the moment.
I hope you don't mind me writing again to you but I did not know who else I could turn to. I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours sincerely, Shirin -- Mummy to Maxwell & Clarissa, born 10th March 1998
P.S. last time you asked who was born first - Maxwell was - then Clarissa 2 minutes later by c-section
Answer:
Dear Shirin,
How nice to hear from you again! I remember your names, and am pleased to know that information that was sent to you a year ago has been helpful! It isn't every day that we hear back from parents, as to whether or not suggestions have been helpful, so I very much appreciate your taking the time to share that.
Now to your present dilemma! I am hoping you have read at least one of the Positive Discipline books. (I can't remember if you have!) And that you are now quite familiar with the ‘lingo' of mistaken goals, discipline tools (as opposed to a method or a technique), mistaken beliefs that underlie mis-behavior, and the proverbial search for connection and belonging – even when getting the belonging occurs in mistaken ways!
I'm going to ask a couple of questions along the way that I don't need the answers to, but which may open some thinking on your part to understand more clearly which of the suggestions I'll make might work best for you in the short run, and then which might work best to prevent a reoccurrence in the long run ...
First let's look at the "pouncing" and sibling fighting, and then we'll take up the wetting pants issue:
1. Sibling fighting is pretty normal – in fact, it's in the home where children learn how to ‘fight fairly' – at four, this may be all they're doing. Your calmly separating them to play with a pile of toys individually as you say, "I don't like it when you fight – I'm afraid one of you will get hurt– you can both play alone for awhile, and we'll try again after lunch..."
First some things to think about ... The fact that Maxwell starts the quibbling may be that he just wants to roughhouse, tease his sister, and tumble about - and he thinks it's ok, and doesn't understand why you're upset.
It could be that he's seen some super-hero on TV (media violence in cartoons for kids is quite intense and research shows that the more TV kids watch, the more violent their play can be.
Or a child at pre-school, play-group, or church (or anywhere he plays with other children) has pushed Maxwell around, and he sees that he is bigger than Clarissa, so he is into power with her because he can ‘win' with her, but not with the other child who is pushing him around.
Or maybe Clarissa starts it sometimes and it gets out of hand when Maxwell plays roughly back? (maybe you don't observe that part?)
Or maybe his language skills aren't set enough yet that he knows how to ask for what he wants, how to negotiate with Clarissa to trade something for what he wants from her, or how to get play going that they can both be a part of the play. So he gets frustrated and doesn't play well with her after a few minutes....
All of these "maybe this, maybe that" are probably evident at different times. So, here are my thoughts about the root issue:
How is your special time with each of the twins – alone time with you and not with the other twin? Twins just seem to land together all the time – it was hard for me, as a Mother of twins with another four-year-old to find time every day to spend with my children – each of them alone, esp. when Gary was gone with his job. Although not easy, eventually I discovered I'd rather spend 10 minutes quality positive time with each child every day just doing something they wanted to do than spend the whole day nagging at one or all of them! Much better use of my parent-energy!
Also, I remember how hard it is when you are having a rough time with one of them to put away your own hurt feelings, disappointments, or fears for that ‘special time' when you don't particularly feel loving with that child right then!! Here's the secret – spending special time with the one who is giving you grief will flip the switch inside you to a more positive relationship all the way around, and the misbehaving child finds less reason to choose misbehavior to get his emotional needs met.
Light bulb went on yet? Maybe I'm off target – I'm thinking Maxwell needs a hug – and so do you! I'm thinking that the less you make of the negative bids for his attention, and the more you quit ‘paying off' his negative bids for attention and power by verbally noticing it and interrupting their play, the sooner he will turn back into the Maxwell you know and love!
The more you can "make" over when he is being ‘good' and playing nicely with Clarissa (like saying, "I love it when you two play together – it's fun to watch you be good friends.") the more you will see of it. With preschoolers it is important to be specific in what you notice – rather than general like, you are playing "nicely..." Say what you see them doing. If the behavior gets rough, point that out to Maxwell, and say, "I hear your voice getting louder, is it time to make another choice? etc. ...)
He may test you to see if you mean business – but avoid saying, "I knew this peace and quiet wouldn't last long – I knew you'd start picking on her, again, Maxwell..." Try to catch him BEFORE he gets rough and prevent it – suggest that Maxwell recognize his triggers with your help, and instead of hitting or grabbing, etc., ask him, "What could you go to play with now instead of hitting or grabbing what Clarissa has?" etc..... Sometimes it is most effective to "shut your mouth and act". This means walking over to them and kindly and firmly separating them. After those actions, you might say, "Go your separate ways until you are ready to play together respectfully." Or, you might keep your mouth shut and give them each a hug. That might be a surprise that would be enough to stop the fighting.
Also, help Clarissa know what to do instead of whining to you – encourage her to say, "stop that, Maxwell, I don't like that." Encourage her to choose to play somewhere else if he is not playing gently with her. Do some role-play with them and you be their voices to teach them how to play fair and what the alternatives are for both of them without wither one being the victor OR the victim. They will have to practice these new skills many times before they remember to do them "under fire!"
Elizabeth Crary (Parenting Press) has a set of children's books I often used with my preschoolers – they are in her problem-solving series – the one for you and your twins would be, "I Want it." (ISBN: 1884734146) It is a book that teaches kids how to ask for what they want without being mean. Your library might have it, or you can surely get it at Amazon.com – I checked!
Now, it'll take some time on your part to observe, catch ‘em playing well, find some games like concentration with a deck of cards or something that isn't only for girls or only for boys for them to play with together. Could it be that Maxwell needs some little boy-time with some boy-friends? (just another guess...with 2 sisters, I worked hard to see that Eric had boy-friends over rather than always expecting him to play with his sisters.)
I hope one of these suggestions will be helpful. In Positive Discipline books, and esp. the A-Z ones you will find specific stories and help for MANY situations that occur on a daily basis in families – check out these at www.positivediscipline.com and order yourself a reading treat!
2. Now let's look at the increase in wetting his pants and not seeming to care:
I wonder if he has a physical problem? Has the Dr. checked him over? I always advocate looking into this first – could he be reverting to a younger age because of some stress in his life? I know it seems odd to think of kids having stress, but this is one of the signs kids under stress do use to tell adults that "something is wrong." And then, although this may sound off track, I wonder if there has been any adult nearby him who has used physical punishment or something (I mean something more than your yelling...) and Maxwell is telling you he is afraid of something??
Maybe not – maybe, again, here, talking with him to calmly tell him what you will do, and then not saying any words at the time he has wet himself – just a two word phrase you say softly with no madness, like "change now" – then he has a clean set of clothes laid out for him, a washcloth and soap in the bathroom or wipes – and have him demonstrate that he can take care of himself in this way – then you say something like, "I know you are capable of taking care of this problem. I know you know how to use the bathroom and clean yourself up, and I have faith in you to take care of this. We will do this for three days, and then I'll check with you to see how it's going, or if you need more help." (in the mean-time you play extra with him, notice the responsible things he does and tell him "you see him growing into such a responsible boy, etc." about other things – and he just may surprise you into taking the decision to be responsible about potty-business too!)
Could this be a bid for attention too? Or power? If so, remember to give him choices, remember to find solutions where everyone wins, and go back and read the book of your choice!
I know so many parents who have the Positive Discipline books by their bed. It is the first thing they read in the morning and the last thing before going to bed until they just ooze positive discipline principles, and can learn to understand and see the situation through the eyes of the children. In understanding, you will gain wisdom beyond belief – and learn that though something seems so clear to you as the parent, it is a totally different and separate reality for the child.
I have faith in you, Shirin, to take care of you too. It is good to say you're sorry when you yell as the children are much better at forgiving than we adults – taking time for you is another way of giving your children a gift – the REAL you, the calm you, the loving you. It is not a selfish thing to do things good for yourself/partner, and to have an adult life too. Perhaps a young teen could come over to help you clean, or play with the kids while you cook, etc. Start a study group of Positive Discipline parents and "band together!" (Bet you can think of something you'd like to do!)
Taking time to ask for help is also a gift, and I am honored that you wrote back to me for assistance. Thank you.
I also want to assure you that asking for help locally, by seeing a counselor at ANY point in your life, is a smart move. I think there are many families who could learn new skills by seeing a counselor who never take that first step. Should you decide to pursue this, please be sure that the counselor is one who would label themselves "Adlerian." Positive Discipline was created out of Alfred Adler/Rudolf Driekurs work and is not behavioral in it's approach to human behavior. You could get way off base by seeing someone who has you using a parenting style based on punishment-reward instead of individual responsibility ... and cause and effect rather than goal-driven behavior.
I, too, love my children, and am grateful for the many wise words of Positive Discipline teachers before me. I knew that my behavior had to change – and that I was the one who needed to find other tools besides yelling if I were to be the kind of Mom my kids would respect.
Wishing you MUCH encouragement and love for your own mothering journey,
Mary Hughes
9/7/02
