Question:
I have a 3-year-old daughter and 7-month-old son. Until now my daughter has been really gentle with the baby but in the last couple of weeks she has been "testing" out being a bit rougher with him (pinching his cheeks, hugging him a bit too tight, giving him a kiss but holding on until he cries.) I usually try to quietly remind her that if the baby is crying it means that he is feeling hurt and that she needs to loosen up her grip. I've asked her how she thinks it makes him feel and what else we could do to show him love. She kind of half listens with a grin and stays away for a little bit...until about 10 minutes later. I believe she is doing it to get my reaction, but I feel like I can't ignore it or say that they need to sort it out themselves. (Obviously the baby has no way to defend himself.)
Also, because he is starting to become mobile and grabbing for toys she is in the habit of grabbing the toys he is playing with away. I know that sharing is still a difficult thing for her age, but I just want to try and handle it in a way that helps out both children.
Any suggestions that you can provide would be great. I just finished your Positive Discipline book and have ordered the Positive Discipline for Preschoolers edition and can't wait to read it. I have already found the suggestions so helpful and a good reminder of the way I want to parent....from the heart but firmly.
Thanks so much, Christine
Answer:
Hi Christine,
What you describe is so classic that I could have written this script for how a "dethroned" child might behave to display her love/hate relationship with the "usurper" in her world. You might want to re-read the chapter on Birth Order in Positive Discipline as a reminder of how children make decisions about themselves based on their decisions of how to find their place in the family when they compare themselves to their perceptions of their siblings.
Suppose you have a four-year-old boy whose mother goes off to the hospital and brings home a brand-new baby. What does the four-year-old see going on between Mom and the baby? — Time and attention. What does your son interpret that to mean? -- Mom loves the baby more than me. What does the four-year-old do in an attempt to get the love back?— He may act like a baby himself and cry a lot, ask for a bottle, and soil his pants.
The following candle demonstration may help you understand her thinking and a way to deal with the belief behind her behavior.
Using Candles to Deal with the Belief Behind the Behavior
There is a belief behind every behavior, but we usually only deal with the behavior. Dealing with the belief behind the behavior does not mean you don't deal with the behavior. You are most effective when you are aware of both the behavior and the belief behind it.
The following is a classic example of the belief behind a behavior.
Four-year-old Becky was feeling dethroned by the birth of a baby brother, and was experiencing confusion about her feelings for the baby. Sometimes she loved him, and other times she wished he had never been born because Mom and Dad spend so much time with him. She didn't know how to get attention for herself, except to act like the baby.
One evening, when the baby was asleep, Becky's mom sat down at the kitchen table with her daughter and did the candle demonstration for her
Mom then asked Becky if she would like to use her candle to light the other candles, so she could see how she could give all her love away and still have all her love. Becky was excited to try this. Mom snuffed the flame on all the candles except Becky's, and then helped her pick up each candle and hold it over the flame of her candle until it was lit. Becky's eyes were shining almost as brightly as the flame of the candles.
Mom gave Becky a hug and said, "Does this help you understand that I love you just as much as I love your baby brother?"
Becky said, Yes, and I can love lots of people just the same.
What happens to us is never as important as the beliefs we create about what happens to us. Our behavior is based on those beliefs, and the behavior and beliefs are directly related to the primary goal of all people -- to feel that we belong and are important.
Mom had learned to deal with the belief behind Becky's misbehavior.
Once you understand the belief, you still need to know what to do. But first I want to tell you what not to do. Don't expect her to understand her feelings and her beliefs and her actions. Also, don't expect her to understand your explanations. When she is being too harsh with baby brother, try any of the following:
- Use action, not words. Kindly and firmly distract her.
- Give them both a hug at the same time. (Again, avoiding words and/or lectures.)
- Try hugging just her when she "misbehaves." I know this sounds like rewarding the misbehavior. It is not. It is dealing with her faulty belief that she is not loved as much as her behavior. When her belief changes her behavior will change.
- Show her how to "touch nicely," over and over.
- Ask your daughter for her help with such things as finding another toy for her brother or for herself.
- Supervise, supervise, supervise--so you can quickly intervene with any of the above.
Remember that there are millions of dethroned children in the world and children who did the dethroning. Most of us survive and grow up just fine.
