Question:
I have a 15 month old who is suffering an extreme case of separation anxiety. He is a very sensitive kid who just panics when I am not around. I have been a full time Mom since he was born, and the fact that we are immigrants and left our native country few years ago, meaning that we do not have friends or family members around, makes it harder to encourage his independence. He started to walk about 3 months ago but he still demands to be held all the time. Should I? How can I encourage him to be more independent? On the other hand I have been trying to let him know that Mom always comes back, by letting him stay in a childcare for some times. I started staying with him, then we moved to leave for ten minutes-then 20 and now he is staying almost an hour. But he still cries for some periods while being there. Am I doing the right thing? How can I help him to feel more comfortable around strangers?
When he panics we hold him, talk to him but do not remove him from the situation, hoping he will warn up. Sometimes he does, sometimes he doesn't. Are we doing the best for him? He had meconiun aspiration when he was born meaning that he was separated from me immediately after delivery, and even though he had an instant recovery he stayed in intensive care for 4 days. Do you think it can be a connection?
I really appreciate your having the time to give me some advice in this matter.
Thank you!
Marinne
Answer:
Dear Marinne, I must say that I am very impressed with what you are doing. I think the only thing you need is reassurance that what you are doing is excellent. I will tell you why. You recognize that he seems to have a sensitive temperament, so you give him a balance of reassurance and showing faith in him. I think it is fine to hold him as long as it feels right to you. There will be a time when you will wish he would let you hold him and he won't want anything to do with it. If you start feeling manipulated by his behavior, be kind and firm. You may hold him for awhile and then put with down with reassurance that you have faith it him to handle it. And, handling it might include some tears. It is okay to let him have his feelings. You will both learn that he will survive.
Developmentally, separation anxiety is very common at this age, and some of what your little guy is experiencing is pretty normal. You are doing well to offer him both comfort and faith, and "small steps" to experiment with him being away from you. You can do this even at home by leaving him to entertain himself for longer periods of time as he grows.
Alfred Adler taught that two things could create behavior problems for children are two extremes: pampering and neglect. I can tell that you will never be neglectful; but that you need encouragement to keep doing the things you are doing that will keep you from pampering.
I suggest you quit worrying about whether or not his separation from you at birth is related. Even if it is, the best thing you can do it to keep doing the things you are doing. You want to make sure that you don't "pamper" to make up for it.
It would be nice if you could find some support groups for yourself and play groups for you child through a church or some other organization. Perhaps you could find a parenting class in your area.
Meanwhile keep following your good instincts. They are serving you well. Jane Nelsen
