Dear Jane,
Wow, thank you so much for the good advice on how to respond to the name calling.Your approach is very sensible.I have taken the RCB and Developing Capable People classes and have found them to be very enlightening.
I do have another issue with my 3 ½ yr. old daughter, Ellen, that I would like some help with. Ellen gets really upset when I put a limit on her activities. For example, tonight I let her paint with her water colors at the counter while I made dinner. She was painting fine for a few minutes, then she wanted to paint her hand, "ok", then her face, "ok", then her sister, "no", etc. I finally said, "I am not willing to let you paint anything other than your paper, hand and face, and if you ask for more, the paints go up. "Of course, she asked to paint her feet. When I reminded her of what would happen if she asked for more, she got even more insistent. I took the paints away.She then attacked me with the stool and bit me. I was so angry, I put her on the couch for a time out. She wouldn't stay, so I put her outside. I know I probably didn't handle it well, but I just don't know what to do when she tries to hurt me or her little sister. Please help me with how I can avoid this problem and how to deal with her when she is in a fit of rage.
Sincerely,
Karen.
Dear Karen,
It sounds like your daughter is testing her power and is very good at getting you hooked into the power struggle.(If I weren't the objective observer, I would probably get hooked too.) You need to engage in some advance planning with your daughter.Describe to her how you feel when you get into a power struggle with her. Then ask for her help in finding some solutions. One possibility is to decide on a signal.Have fun brainstorming which one you will use (a peace sign, a wink, a hand over the heart, a clap, etc.) Then have her choose the one she thinks would work best. Then challenge her to see who can recognize the power struggle first and give the signal.
Another possibility is to pick her up as soon as you feel a power struggle, and go into time out "together" and read a book. Or, at the first sign of a power struggle you might say, "I need a hug." It is amazing how these two suggestions can change a brewing power struggle into a feeling of love and cooperation.
Whenever the power struggle doesn't involve damage to other people or property, you could just withdraw.Decide what you will do instead of what you will try to make your daughter do.
Of course, I can't stop without suggesting my favorite parenting tool--family meetings. Nothing is going to make everything perfect, but family meetings will give your daughter a chance to practice using her power to give compliments and to find solutions to problems. This may help her feel less need for power struggles. Your next question continues the saga of the power struggles.
Dear Jane,
How should I respond when my 4 yr. old calls me names or hits me when I take away a privilage or say no to a request. "No, you can't have ice cream right now, we are just about to have dinner. "She will immediately say "you pee pee head, poop poo, stupid. "How can I avoid this, and how should I best deal with it when it is not avoided?
Thank you,
Karen
Hi Karen,
Try asking instead of telling, such as, "What comes before ice cream?" Also, try avoiding the word no.Instead say, You can have ice cream right after dinner. Another possibility is to give her a choice, "Do you want to set the table now, or dish up the ice cream after dinner?" You might also try using your sense of humor, "Am I a purple poo poo head, or a green one.? "The point is to stop getting hooked into the power struggles. You may simply ignore her name calling and change the subject. Tell her you really need her help, and give her a job. The plea for help is often appealing to the child who is into power.When a child wants power it is very important to help her learn skills to use her power constructively.
Hang in there,
Jane Nelsen
