I love all of the Positive Discipline tools, but when I had the opportunity to choose a few of my favorites to write about, I knew that “Pay Attention” would be at the top of my list to share. It might seem painfully obvious: of course we’re paying attention to the kids we watch, that’s our job! However, I do invite you to reflect on if you are truly, deeply paying attention to the kiddos around you.
In “Positive Discipline Parenting Tools,” Dr. Jane Nelsen reminds us that we must, “put down whatever you are doing and focus on your child as though he or she is more important than anything else you could do.” It’s true, right? The child(ren) are the reason we’re there! I know it’s hard to focus exclusively on a child when you feel overwhelmed with to-do lists, dishes, ringing phones, pets, bosses - trust me, I get it! Nonetheless, we have to figure out a way to do it anyway, as it is so important to give that dedicated, focused attention to each child in your care.
Kids can absolutely tell when you’re phoning it in - just like when a spouse or friend isn’t paying attention and keeps saying “uh huh, uh huh,” during a story you’re sharing - you can tell when someone isn’t focused, and it hurts. Kids can feel it, too! “Positive Discipline Parenting Tools,” prompts us to “Ask yourself, “What will I remember years from now? Getting these important things done, or the times I gave my child my full attention?” It is certainly true that looking back, I remember lots of times where I was playing with and connecting with children, but I don’t have any fond memories of checking all the menial tasks off my to-do list for the day.
In “Observing Young Children,” Mary O’Connell says, “We know the ways in which we interact with children make a difference in their self-esteem and how they view their own capacities. . . .It is our professional responsibility as teachers and caregivers to make a habit of observing not just those children we are concerned about, but every child in our care.” Luckily, paying attention to your nanny charges doesn’t mean we need to constantly focus 100% of our attention on a child - there’s a balance to be found here. We don’t want to smother children with so much attention that they can’t handle playing alone; however, we do want to stay tuned in and give each child in our care intentional, focused time and attention each day.
In a nanny context, perhaps at first glance this tool seems easier because we’re on the clock, and the child(ren) in our care should be our main focus, so of course we’re paying attention - not only because we’re being compensated for that work, but because it truly makes the job easier when you’re connected and paying attention. Pam Leo’s “emotional cup” metaphor is becoming more common, and people understand that we’re going to fill a child’s emotional cup up, but we get to choose if we do it preventatively when everyone’s in a pleasant mood, or if you want to wait until their emotional cup is so empty that they’re looking for undue attention (AKA start acting like real turkeys) until they get the attention they’re seeking from you. It takes such a short amount of time and effort to top their “emotional cups” off if you’re doing it consistently, especially if you’re using Special Time, another amazing Positive Discipline tool.
If you’re paying close attention, you can see when they start making small bids for your attention - sometimes these are very clear, like an older child asking, “Will you ride bikes with me?” Other times it’s more subtle, like when a young child starts provoking and poking at the puppy because they know it will get you up and paying attention to them. If you are in the middle of a task when a child is asking for attention, draw them in with an invitation to join you. “I can play Legos with you after I finish unloading the dishwasher. If you help me, we can start building even faster!” If you’re struggling to stay fully engaged during these times, start small by putting your phone aside and playing for just a few minutes. Your capacity for playing & observing children will build. Paying attention to the child(ren) in your care will build your connection and impress the parents you work for, who will absolutely notice and appreciate you knowing their children’s preferences, habits, and quirks.
What does this look like in practice?
It’s easy for me to say, “stop worrying about the housework and play with the kiddos,” but I know it’s harder to make that happen in practice, especially depending on the priorities of the family you’re working with. If you do feel like the amount of chores and housework you have assigned to you are taking away from your focused attention on your charges, have an honest discussion with the family you work for and explain how and why you want to make sure you have time that’s just for childcare & building connection. Remember why you’re there (most of us didn’t get into nannying because we love doing laundry and dishes - it’s because we love the kids!), and really focus on your nanny charges. Each child is such a special, unique little individual and it’s our privilege to get to know them! We often refer to the beautiful Toni Morrison quote, “Do your eyes light up when they walk into the room?” I always have that in the back of my mind, but I didn’t realize how blatantly I was “lighting up” when I saw my nanny charge until he asked me directly, “Why do you always look normal and then smile so big when you see me?” I guess I’m not as subtle as I thought, but this exchange warmed my heart, because that kiddo knows I’m paying attention to him. The time we have with each nanny charge is fleeting, and it’s a disservice to everyone if we aren’t tuned in and paying attention to that special, little person each time we’re with them. I invite you to really check-in with yourself to see if you’re giving your nanny charges your undivided attention and to see what happens once you start.
Want to learn more about Positive Discipline tools for nannies? Check out the Positive Discipline for Nannies online course from our friends at Sproutable.
Bio: Danielle Taylor is the Nanny Liaison at Sproutable. She is a Certified Positive Discipline Parent Educator and Certified Positive Discipline Early Childhood Educator. Danielle has over 15 years of experience working with children and was a top five finalist for the International Nanny Association’s 2023 Nanny of the Year. She has earned her Nanny Credential from the International Nanny Association & Nanny and Childcare Provider (NCP) Certification from the US Nanny Association. Danielle has been a guest on The Nanny Endorsements and Nanny ABCs podcasts, has presented for United Nanny and the US Nanny Association, and has written for Sproutable, Birch Nannies, and Seattle Nanny Network. Danielle enjoys sharing Positive Discipline tips and tools with other childcare professionals.
