Question:
A friend of mine recently lost his wife and his 8 month to be born daughter. He does not know how to break the bad news to his 3 year old daughter. What do you think will be the best approach???? Any other advice???
Thank you so much for helping me help him... Jorge
Answer:
Dear Jorge, My name is Jody McVittie. I am a family doctor and part of the team that answers questions for the Positive Discipline website. This question doesn't really fit in the "discipline" category...but I will answer it "human being to human being" (with some help from my background as a doctor helping families deal with tragedy). I am presuming that the mother and baby died in some kind of accident or medical emergency (rather than divorce or separation) as I answer the question.
The simple answer is to be honest. But that is not so easy. The father obviously is going to be grieving the loss of two loved ones already....and in addition suddenly has sole responsibility for another loved one. It is a huge task.
Three year olds do not understand "death" the way adults do....but they absorb it to the best of their ability. The important messages to convey are:
Something VERY sad happened.
It is OK to be sad and to cry about it. (And it is of course ok for the Dad to be sad too...and to let his daughter see him sad.)
Sometimes even when we are having fun together the sadness will surprise us.
We'll have to be patient with each other.
Mommy and the baby will never come back and be part of our family...and we will be sad about it for a long time.
Even though it will be very hard for a while we will be ok.
We will find special ways to remember Mommy and the baby.
Other people have had this happen too...and no one likes it...but they find ways to remember their special people they lost and they find ways to be happy and enjoy life.
If the family has a specific religious belief that fits it is appropriate to put the death in that context... but not to rely on it to get rid of sadness.
As overwhelming as the father's grief is, it is important to remember that his daughter can handle her sadness...and that it is not appropriate to "protect" her from the pain. He can't protect her really anyway...... Trying to protect kids just makes it harder for them to talk about the things they need to talk about.
Some other suggestions:
Think about ways to remember Mom that will last a life time. Make a photo album. Gather a few things that smell like Mom (small) and put them in several zip lock bags. One for using now, and several for later years. Ask friends to share their favorite stories about Mom....and save them all either in a book or a special place so that they can be read over and over and over again.
Think about what Mom would like to be remembered by. Did she love flowers? Plant some flowers or a tree. Did she like to do crafts or cook.... Help your daughter use those things to share with the community in some way.
Ask for the support of relatives and friends to do small things. To take the 3 year old on short activities with buddies, to invite her over to bake, or sew, or plant, or draw....or what ever it is that she likes. Ask them to let her be sad....and to acknowledge that sad things happen...and that they still love her.
Don't expect perfection or consistency from her behavior...but try to establish as regular a routine as possible. She has just had her world turned upside down...and having some consistency and predictability now will be a relief. The Dad can figure out with her what will work for both of them. Sometimes it even helps to write it down or draw or take pictures. If the routine needs to be interrupted giving the child advance warning will really help. EG. Honey, tomorrow I won't be home at the regular time, but your friend xx will be here. I will be back at xx.
In the horrible space of the Dad's grief it is important to not pull away from the 3 year old. To make time to read stories, to snuggle, to listen to music, go to the park...or just sit next to each other. He might want to find a grief group. People who do this report that it is very helpful.
It sounds like the Dad has a special friend in you. Best wishes to you, the family and the rest of your caring community.
Jody McVittie
