First, I want to say that I am a huge fan of your books and keep them at my bedside so I can refer to them often. Growing up with an abusive, alcoholic father, I was desperate to learn how to parent differently so that my daughter didn't endure the same sort of childhood that I did. When I feel myself reacting to something that feels too much like my father, I take a time-out and pick-up one of your books.
I'm wondering if you can help me talk to my daughter about her absent father. She is 3-1/2 and has never met him. He does send money each month to help pay for her daycare and other expenses, and I have told her that.
Occasionally, she'll ask me about him and I try and answer as honestly as possible, but I'm wondering now if I should be giving her more (or less!?) information. Another friend of mine is also a single mom of a preschool-age daughter. She denies to her daughter the need for a father, and so her daughter has now started to imagine a father to replace the absent, real father. My daughter has picked up on this. She told me in the car the other day that she wanted to be "died and built again" so she could know her real father. I didn't handle it well because I wasn't sure how to handle it. Then she told me last night that she wanted me to die so that "my daddy will always be in my heart." I'm not sure where this is coming from. I don't want to find us in a situation where she idealizes her absent father and blames me for his absence-is that inevitable? I know I can't replace him for her, and I can't force him to be part of her life. But I don't want her to be a victim of his absence either. Any guidance would be appreciated.
Thank You
My name is Cheryl Erwin; I am a marriage and family therapist who works with families and children, and the co-author of several books in the "Positive Discipline" series; I was also the single mother of a young child for almost nine years. I have worked with a number of young clients with an absent parent, and have heard questions like your daughter's many times.
As painful as your daughter's questions can be, they are entirely normal. Children of her age, particularly bright and observant ones, quickly notice the difference between themselves and their families and the lives of others. They become curious about gender, sex, mothers--and fathers. And they notice that other children have live-in daddies, while they don't.
I believe that the best way to respond to children is with appropriate truth. Your daughter's birth dad is a part of who she is, and she instinctively knows that. She wants to know who he is and what he's like because it's also a part of who she is herself. You can answer her questions truthfully ("He's tall and has a nice smile, and he has blond hair like yours.") without going into all the gory details. I don't know the circumstances of your life, but you might say something like this: "You have a daddy who wasn't ready to act like a daddy. He helps me take care of you by sending me money, but he doesn't want to live with us." You also need to reassure your daughter that her father's absence has nothing to do with her personally; young children are egocentric by nature and when a parent disappears or leaves, they usually assume it was because of something they did. Be sure your daughter knows that her dad's absence is not her fault. I think the "dying" aspect of her questions is just a child's "magical" way to try to create a connection with her missing dad and is not something you need to worry about. Children this age say many things they don't really understand because they it hear from others. She may not understand your factual information totally either. However she will sense your matter of fact reassurance. If you over-react, she could enjoy the attention and say things just to get a reaction.
My guess is that you'll have to answer questions like this off and on for many years, as your daughter grows and learns to ask more sophisticated questions. Let me share something with you, as one single mom to another, that helped me many times: Have faith in your daughter, and in your relationship with her. She is curious about her dad, and that's normal, but she also knows who her mom is and who is there every day caring for her, loving her, and teaching her. Her interest in him is not a reflection on you, and you don't need to take it personally. Be kind and calm, and give her simple, honest answers. You'll both get through this just fine.
Best,
Cheryl Erwin, MA, MFT
Certified Positive Discipine Associate
