I need help in applying the principals of positive discipline in an after school setting with at risk children that are 8 to 11 for the most part. Some are from homes where corporal in the norm and one or two may be from homes where the adults are violent with each other. Most come from homes where they are supported but the destructive behavior of a few hurts us all. Unfortunately, these are the children we are trying most to reach. When they refuse to follow clear guidelines, it doesn't seem fair to anyone. Enlisting the help of parents usually means that no matter how often we ask them to use words to explain the reinforce the rules that we have, they chose to punish the children - most often with a belt.
I would like to be a able utilize the positive discipline, but I am finding the children want to continually test the limit which in our program results in suspension or expulsion.
Hello Jan, I am a Positive Discipline Associate from Ohio who works with atrisk kids ages 11 to 15 as a classroom teacher. Jane Nelsen forwarded your question to me . First, congratulations for offering an after school program. This certainly would have its many challenges.
It sounds like the backgrounds/home philosophies are identical to what I deal with. My discovery of Positive Discipline led me to a huge insight about my students. Whereas I would have once given their backgrounds as "what they have in common", Positive Discipline led me to understand that it was a lack of SIGNIFICANCE that was at the core of so much of what they do- or don't do. Also, they were lacking in an understanding of MUTUAL RESPECT, having no framework of what it feels like to give and receive respect.-I constantly ask myself ," is the message of love is getting through?". Even when I am upset, am I dealing with this kid respectfully, as I would like to be treated? Am I LISTENING as much as I'm talking? Talk about a challenge for the teacher!!!
This does not mean in any way that there are no limits, consequences, or bottom lines. These kids crave structure and limits, even though they may resist them. In a sense it is like teaching them a whole new language, as many of their families are chaotic and if corporal punishment is used they have trouble setting their own limits. Structure and limits show that you care- you offer them physical and emotional safety .Also, they don't do well with "down time" and have to be kept busy. My kids love to be read to. Few of them have learned a love of reading and this seems to calm even the most wild of the bunch.
CLASS MEETINGS are invaluable because the kids then have an investment in the rules- which I call Guidelines as the word rules falls on deaf ears after being used so often. I have sometimes asked the kids for ideas when I am at my wits end with a student. Sometimes a temporary suspension gives all of us a breather, including the problem kid. Just breaking the behavior pattern helps for awhile.This is a last resort, of course. Again, this can be done respectfully. Asking kids for input requires a foundation of trust and an understanding that it is your care and concern for the child that brings you to them.-It is in no way a tattling session or talking about someone in a hurtful way. The kids' insights can be unbelievable.
I have learned over the years that it works better to "keep school business at school" and I call home much less often than I did before P.D., again giving the kid the respect of trying to find SOLUTIONS- a new skill for many.
Also, you might want to look at the MISTAKEN GOALS chart. It absolutely blows me away because in 99% of cases you will see so clearly what you can do to make the situation better. And it's usually so simple that I can't believe I didn't think of it before. That little chart is truly a miracle!!
Above all, be good to yourself, and remember to recognize and cherish small victories. Keep caring. Keep reading. Stay creative. Believe in the power of Positive Discipline- and whatever other power you need to keep love in your heart. You may be the best thing in those kids' lives!! Christine Haymond, Positive Discipline Associate, Canton, Ohio
