by Jane Nelsen
A father once asked me, “How do I get my son to stop making the same mistakes over and over?”
I smiled and asked him a question.
“How many times have you made the same mistake?”
He laughed.
Then he paused.
“More than I’d like to admit.”
Exactly.
Children make mistakes because they are children. Adults make mistakes because they are human. None of us learns everything the first time.
Yet when children make mistakes, many of us instinctively think our job is to make sure they feel bad enough that they won’t do it again.
We lecture.
We scold.
We punish.
We hope the discomfort will become the lesson.
But have you ever noticed that when you feel blamed or criticized, your first response isn’t usually to think, “Thank you for helping me learn.” More often, we become defensive. We make excuses. Or we simply feel discouraged.
Children are no different.
One of the most important ideas in Positive Discipline is that mistakes are wonderful opportunities to learn.
Notice the emphasis isn’t on pretending mistakes don’t matter. They do. Spilled milk still needs to be cleaned up. Hurt feelings still need to be repaired. Forgotten homework still has consequences.
The question is not whether children should learn from mistakes.
The question is, what helps them learn?
Imagine a child who accidentally knocks over a glass of milk at dinner.
One response might be:
“I can’t believe you did that again! Why can’t you be more careful?”
Another might be:
“Oops. Looks like we have a mess. What do we need to do now?”
Both responses acknowledge what happened.
Only one invites the child to think, contribute, and solve a problem.
That doesn’t mean children should never feel disappointed. Disappointment is often a natural result of making a mistake. But disappointment is very different from discouragement.
Encouragement helps children believe:
“I made a mistake, and I can learn from it.”
Discouragement tells them:
“I am the mistake.”
That distinction can shape the way children think about themselves for years to come.
When our children make mistakes, it helps to become curious instead of critical.
You might ask:
“What happened?”
“What were you trying to do?”
“What ideas do you have for solving this?”
Questions like these invite children to think instead of simply reacting. They begin to develop responsibility because they are involved in finding solutions rather than being told what they should have done.
One of my favorite reminders is this:
Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order for children to do better, we first have to make them feel worse?
Most of us don’t intentionally try to discourage our children. We simply repeat what was done to us because we believe that’s how children learn.
Thankfully, there is another way.
Children become responsible not because they are afraid of making mistakes, but because they discover they are capable of learning from them.
The next time your child makes a mistake—and there will be a next time—pause before you respond.
Ask yourself,
“Is what I’m about to do helping my child feel more capable?”
That single question may change the conversation.
And perhaps, over time, it will help change your child’s life.
The completely revised edition of Positive Discipline explores this timeless principle with new stories, practical examples, and tools that help parents replace blame with curiosity, encouragement, and solutions.
Pre-order your copy today and discover practical tools for helping children learn from mistakes with confidence and responsibility.
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