Dear Dr. Nelsen,

First, I would like to say that I appreciate all of the effort and energy you put into writing both the first and second editions of Positive Discipline. I have read and enjoyed both editions. The skill that has been most helpful for me to learn as a parent is winning cooperation because the process gave me an understanding of what to say after feelings have been affirmed. And the process has taught my children how to move on after they experienced the feeling. Thanks again.

The class meeting question refers to my daughter's first grade class. Her teacher started holding class meetings in October 1996. She is having difficulty with the compliments portion of the meeting. She reports that the children turned the compliments time into a competition. Children were keeping track of the number of compliments on their fingers and there were other students who were not receiving compliments that were visibly upset. The problem was put on the agenda and no satisfactory solutions were found. She has since removed compliments from the process. Do you have any insights or suggestions? She does not have e-mail capabilities so I agreed to contact you on her behalf.

Sincerely,

Nancy Halvey

Dear Nancy,

Thank you for your encouraging words.

Regarding compliments, I don't think it is a good idea to eliminate them. It is such an important skill. I have a few suggestions.

1. Don't give up on looking for solutions. Keep putting it on the agenda so the kids can keep working on a solution.
2. Be sure to pass an item (such as a talking stick or a ball) around the circle. The person who has the item can choose to "give, get, or pass." This mean he or she can give a compliment, pass, or ask to get a compliment. I have seen this done in classrooms, and it is quite nice. When a student says, "I would like to get a compliment," the teacher asks for a raise of hands for students who have a compliment for that person. (Teachers tell me that several students raise their hands--even to give unpopular kids a compliment.) Then the student can choose a person to give him or her a compliment.
3. Go back to a teaching activity regarding compliments. Have each person with the item say something he or she would like to receive a compliment for, and then have the person to the left give him that compliment. Tell them that it doesn't matter if it doesn't feel sincere. This is just to help them learn the skill and they can practice sounding sincere.
4. Once in a while give them an assignment: Tomorrow it will be your job to give a compliment to the person on your left. The next day, if someone didn't do their assignment, ask the whole class, "Who noticed something the person (on the left) did that the person (on the right) could use for a compliment?
5. Have a discussion about how it feels to not receive a compliment, and then (again) invite their ideas for a solution.

I hope these ideas help.