Teacher Punishes Whole Class
Question:
I am a parent of a 5th grader. There are 30 students in this classroom and the
teacher is having a lot of difficulty controlling them. He has resorted to
punishing the whole class because several of the students are "misbehaving".
My son has not been the cause of this teacher's frustration but has been the
recipient of his wrath. I have written to the teacher to inform him of my
disapproval of this method and also have spoken with the principal. I have not
yet heard from the teacher. I think that the principal does not want to rock
the boat and would rather that the complaint be handled by myself. He has
asked me to write a letter to the teacher, which I have. The teacher is very
old school and has been around for very long. He is impatient with his very
large class (30 students) and has also resorted to saying disrespectful to
them (for example comparing them to 2nd graders). My son is suffering and I
feel that this environment is not at all conducive to his positive growth and
education. What can you do to help me?
Answer
My name is Jody McVittie. I am part of the team that answers questions from
the website. I am also a family doc, a parent of three (ages 16, 14, 11) and
teach parenting classes as well as classroom management classes for our local
school district. As a parent of school age children, I can really understand
how you feel. You work hard to teach your children to solve problems and treat
others respectfully. You probably understand that the very best way to teach
this is to model respect yourself. Then you send your child off to school and
he feels disrespected, humiliated and shamed. I've been there. I will be
honest with you. There are no easy fixes. But there are things that you can do
and think about that may help. When problem solving it is always helpful to
look at the problem from as many points of view as possible. If you were the
teacher in this situation, what would the problem look like? I suspect that
this teacher is feeling overwhelmed and discouraged. He feels like he is doing
a good job when he is in control, yet the usual tools he has used are not
working. He is resorting to punishment and letting his frustration show. Most
of us can relate to that desperate feeling, when as parents, we feel like we
don't have any choices. We care, we care a lot, but we feel ineffective. That
perspective is important to remember as you try to plan what you are going to
do. The question is, what is the most effective way to get this teacher to be
more encouraged and have more choices? When the teacher feels better, he will
be able to do better (just like children and all of the rest of us.)
I think the very best way to communicate to teachers is to have the student
talk to the teacher. There are several reasons for this. First and foremost,
the real problem here is how your son is being treated. (It is also the most
respectful, and offers the most opportunities for real change and
encouragement) Really, it is a problem between your son and his teacher. He
(your son) can learn how to solve this kind of problem. This is a great time
and place to practice. If he has never problem solved with teachers before, it
is a wonderful opportunity. As a parent, your role is support. (NOT doing it
for him). Even first graders can do this. Some of the support is the
preparation. To prepare, let him know that you understand that his feelings
have been hurt and that he feels he is not being treated respectfully. Let him
know that you will support him in solving the problem, but not do it for him.
Here are some sample questions to get him going. What is the best way to talk
to someone when they make a mistake? How does he (your son) feel when he makes
a mistake, and what kinds of things do people say to encourage him so that he
can fix the mistake? (Usually kids know that talking to them while they are
still feeling bad doesn't help, that being kind helps, that letting the person
who made the mistake know that you still like him or her helps, etc.) What
kind of language is helpful (being honest and using "I feel ..." statements).
The next step in supporting your son is to talk to him about possible
outcomes. What is the worst thing that could happen if he talks kindly and
honestly with his teacher (in private!)?. What is the best thing that could
happen? Is there anything else that could make the best outcome more likely?
Next ask your son if he would like one of you (not both, it will overwhelm the
teacher) to be there...but not say anything. If yes, ask him to make an
appointment. If no, remind your son that this kind of talk works best if
everyone is calm, and there is little chance of embarrassing the teacher. (It
should be done in private) Will the teacher be able to really hear your son?
Maybe, maybe not. The more your son can empathize with the teacher (e.g. agree
that the class is too loud, agree that the teacher does not have a classroom
of kids paying attention etc), the better the chances. But no guarantee.
I know that you already talked to the principal and the teacher....and that is
done. Next time I would save that to be a last resort. It is just more
discouraging to teachers to have their boss breathing down their necks and the
teacher is likely to dig in and get more upset rather than really be able to
hear you. That is not the sign of a bad teacher. It is the sign of a
discouraged human being. You cannot undo what you did....maybe some time later
you can acknowledge that it might not have been the best approach (we all
learn from what we do.) A few more points:1. We all like to have things the
best for our kids.... but life is not always like that. In order to be
successful adults our children also need to know how to handle adversity. They
need to stretch their psychological muscles. No matter what happens as the
result of your son's discussion with his teacher, he will learn something. If
there is improvement he will feel successful. If there is no improvement he
will have an opportunity to experience a challenge and learn how to make the
best of it. It is important to remember that this is DIFFERENT than the kind
of message we got from our parents. Instead of saying "Hey, be tough, you can
handle it" we are saying. "You are right, this is a problem. You have a right
to your feelings. You can try to solve this problem. I will support you, but I
won=t do it for you. If you can't change the situation, you can make the best
of it." What a life skill.
2. When we don't jump in and try to fix things for our kids, they learn that
we have faith in them to handle adversity. They learn they are capable of
taking on life. Another important life skill.
3. Sometimes there are times to step in. Usually children can make it, cope,
adapt until the end of the year....but not always. We came very close to
pulling one of our children from a class where he was being bullied and the
teacher was not able to intervene. We temporized by enlisting the aide of the
recess supervisors (when they were watching, our child was safe) and moved our
child to a new school the next year. (This was after multiple layers of
problem solving that were not successful. The physical and emotional safety to
our child was a serious concern). Only you can make the judgment as to whether
the situation is really dangerous...but remember to have faith in your child's
resiliency too.
4. Remember that your long term goal is improvement in the classroom, not
having the teacher acknowledge he was wrong. And, the most important long term
goal is helping your child deal with adversity in a respectful way.
5. If you go with your son, really really make sure that you can keep quiet.
Make sure that you have let go of the fear that this teacher will damage your
son. (He won't, your son has compassionate and caring parents, and has the
strength to be able to learn and benefit from dealing with difficult
situations). Make sure that you can stay calm and not get reactive. Promise
yourself that it is something that you and your son will be able to talk about
and learn from later. There is another question on the website quite similar
to this...so you might go look at that answer too. Your son is lucky to have
parents who care as much as you do!
Best wishes,
Jody McVittie, M.D. Certified Positive
Discipline Associate.
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