Building Community
Michael L. Brock
April 2004

A Radical Proposal for Improved Home/School Relations

Imagine this scenario. Meaghan, age 11, has failed, yet again, to make her bed in the morning, leaving the covers in such disarray that they lie more on the floor than on the bed. On top of that, she left the CDs she was listening to the night before strewn all over the floor and — in what most certainly was a act of blatant disrespect! — left her cereal bowl on the table as she raced out to the family Suburban for her ride to school. The kind of behavior Mom and Dad had come to expect; after all, we know what kind of teachers she has!

But Mom and Dad have been down this road before — Meaghan's older brother tried the same tricks during his school years. They know what she's up to, and they know what to do: They called Meaghan's teacher to apprise her of Meaghan's behavior and asked her what she planned to do about it. Take away all her privileges was what they hoped she would say; that would be fitting punishment. She's so spoiled at school with all those privileges. It's high time the teacher took them away.

OK, sounds ridiculous, right? Of course. But is the opposite scenario — teachers calling home to complain about something the child is doing wrong at school and expecting Mom and Dad to punish the child in return — any less ridiculous? Here's my radical proposal for improved home/school relations: Leave school problems at school and home problems at home. If your child gets in trouble at school, work with her to identify what happened, why it happened, what resulted from it, and what can be done next time to avoid it. But don't add your own discipline to school discipline.

Now, I can hear the voices of protest: You mean parents should just do NOTHING?!? What happened to the idea of supporting teachers? When I was a kid, if I got in trouble at school I got it double when I got home!

First, this has nothing to do with not supporting teachers; most assuredly they deserve our support. But support for teachers doesn't mean adding parental discipline to teacher discipline; it simply means verbally supporting teacher discipline, which is all most teachers want or need.

And the call to leave school issues at school doesn't mean that teachers shouldn't send home information about behavior concerns; parents certainly need to know how their children are behaving at school. Nor am I saying that parents should do nothing. In fact, I'm suggesting that parents do something a lot more difficult than punishing, restricting, grounding, and taking things away (none of which, apparently, "work," as both the parents in my school and my clients in therapy will attest).

What I am suggesting is that parents sit down with their children and ask questions — and then listen — to help them make plans to avoid the problem in the future: What happened? (I got in a fight at recess.) What caused that to happen? (Jessica called me a name.) What happened as a result of that? (The teacher told me I can't go out for recess tomorrow because I didn't follow the recess rules.) What can you do differently the next time you have recess? (Stay away from that brat Jessica!) Good plan. Now let's get ready for dinner.

I have encountered too many situations in which a parent's relationship with a child has become seriously impaired because the parent thinks she's supposed to punish the child for having gotten in trouble at school. Let's declare our independence from that "supposed to." Let's all agree to let the school deal with school issues. And the home can be free to deal with home issues.

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Mike Brock is a counselor, educator, and author of School-Smart Parenting and co-author of 7 Strategies for Developing Capable Students and Positive Discipline in the Christian Home. He has spoken to audiences throughout the United States, as well as in Canada and Central America, on a wide range of topics including parenting, leadership, personality styles, school and classroom discipline, and spirituality.