Tools for Working With (Little) People, by Steve Hargadon a Positive Discipline Associate

Past Articles

What Do You Say to Your Child When He's Standing
at the Refrigerator with the Door Open?

by Michael L. Brock

That was the question I was confronted with by a group of moms the other day as I stumbled upon a rather animated gripe fest about what's wrong with our kids. They leave the light on in the bathroom! They drop their socks on the floor and just leave them there! They stand at the refrigerator with the door open trying to figure out what to eat, wasting all that electricity! I complain, I yell at them, I snap at them, but they still do it! So, what do you say to your child when he's standing at the refrigerator with the door open?

The same day I was challenged with that angst-filled question about refrigerator doors, I came across this pearl of wisdom for parents of teens from a recent issue of Psychotherapy Networker magazine: "There are basically two kinds of problems: those that affect the teen's safety and survival, and those connected with the adolescent's attitudes and style (e.g., clothes, tattoos or piercing).

It's dangerous to avoid the issues connected with survival and safety, and a waste of time, money, and energy to focus on issues connected with attitude and style." Very good advice—for clothes, tattoos, and piercing, as well as for standing at the refrigerator with the door open. In fact, the better we handle the refrigerator door issues when our children are young, the less we'll have to deal with the tattoos and piercings issues when they get older.

The more I work with parents, the more I believe that the vast majority of the battles we have with our kids (teens and younger kids as well) are totally unimportant, and many of them are of our own making. I believe that we often criticize and/or "get on" our kids for silly matters just because we think we're supposed to criticize or "get on" them. (And then we wonder why they tune us out.) I've found that one of the first paradigm shifts that takes place in parenting involves the awareness that there is no rule saying that we have to be carping at our kids all the time.

So, why do we do it then? Because we think we're supposed to, and we think we're supposed to because it's what our parents did, or it's because what we see other parents do. And because we think that that's how we teach them, forgetting that the very best way to teach our kids is simply to model the behaviors we want them to practice, with just occasional reminders.

That, and to remember not to sweat the small stuff!

Past Articles

Positive Discipline
by Dr. Jane Nelsen
For twenty-five years, Positive Discipline has been the gold standard reference for grown-ups working with children. Now Jane Nelsen, distinguished psychologist, educator, and mother of seven, has written a revised and expanded edition. The key to positive discipline is not punishment, she tells us, but mutual respect.

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